RESOLVING CONFLICT

Key Differences In Types of Conflict

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Basic Steps To Resolving Conflict

There are several different models to resolving a conflict. A great deal of more information will follow in this book. Listed below are some basic steps that could be used to resolve a conflict with another person:

Identify the issue.
Understand each other's perspective.
Find common ground.
Brainstorming possible solutions.
Agreeing on a solution and making a plan.
Reflecting on the process to learn for future conflicts.
Evaluate how things are going over time.

Assertive statements help communicate what is wrong. Parents should use “I” statements when talking to their tween or teen and teach the tween or teen how to use them back.

The ideal “I” statement has four components: expressing one’s emotions, specifying the situation, explaining the reason, and stating the need. Below are the steps needed to make an “I” statement.

“I feel…” tell the person how you feel, such as sad, angry, betrayed, annoyed, etc.
“When…,” tell the person when you feel that way.
“Because…,” tell the person why you feel that way.
“I need….,” tell the person what you need.

“I” statements can take the emotion out of what you are trying to say and will help the other person understand what you are upset about. Learning to use “I” statements is an art and takes a lot of practice. Below are some examples of assertive “I” statements:

Honesty

“I feel angry when I’m lied to because it makes me feel like I can’t trust you. I need you to be honest so we can work together.”

Gossip

“I feel sad when I hear people talking negatively about someone else because it makes me wonder if they’d do the same about me. I need us to focus on being kind and respectful when we talk about others.”

Too Many Voices

“I feel overwhelmed when everyone talks at the same time because it’s hard for me to follow what’s being said. I need us to take turns so I can really hear what everyone has to say.”

Yelling

“I feel frustrated when someone yells at me because they don’t respect my feelings. I need us to talk calmly to understand each other better.”

Passive, Aggressive, and Assertive Behaviors

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Active listening builds trust, fosters open communication, and helps you catch the underlying messages your child is trying to convey. By genuinely hearing your tween or teen, you’re addressing their immediate needs and showing them they are valued and understood. This creates a stronger parent-child connection and helps you guide them through life’s challenges with confidence and empathy.

Here is an extensive list of active listening essentials:

Eye Contact: Maintain eye contact to show interest and engagement without staring, which might make the speaker uncomfortable.
Body Language: Use open and inviting body language. Nod occasionally, lean slightly forward, and use gestures indicating engagement.
Mirroring: Subtly mirror the speaker’s body language to build rapport and show empathy without mimicking every move, which can seem insincere.
Paraphrasing: Summarize the speaker’s words in your own words to show that you understand what has been said and to clarify any misunderstandings.
Reflecting Feelings: Acknowledge and reflect the speaker’s feelings. For example, “It sounds like you’re passionate about this,” or “You seem upset about what happened.”
Asking Open-Ended Questions: Ask questions requiring more than a yes or no answer to encourage the speaker to elaborate and share their thoughts and feelings.
Avoiding Interruptions: Resist the urge to interrupt while the other person is speaking. Let them finish their thoughts before you respond.
Withholding Judgment: Listen without forming judgments or jumping to conclusions. Keep an open mind regardless of your own opinions or beliefs.
Showing Empathy: Express empathy through your words and tone and demonstrate understanding and compassion for the speaker’s situation or feelings.
Encouraging: Use verbal cues and phrases like “I see,” “Go on,” or “Tell me more” to encourage the speaker to continue sharing.
Avoid Advice Giving: Unless specifically asked, avoid offering advice. Often, people need to feel heard and understood rather than look for solutions immediately.
Summarizing: At the end of the conversation, summarize the key points to ensure you have understood correctly and to reinforce the speaker’s message.
Seeking Clarification: If something is not clear, ask questions to clarify rather than assuming or guessing the meaning.
Being Patient: Allow pauses and silences in the conversation. Sometimes, people need a moment to gather their thoughts or emotions.

Dealing With Anger, Fear, Sadness, and Disappointment

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Generally, people can work out their differences positively, but there are signs of conflict brewing. Tweens and teens need to learn these signs and know what to do when they appear:

other individuals are showing signs of resentment or hostility
specific issues that are brought up repeatedly over time
when other people become involved with the problem
raised voices
aggressive or angry behavior
gossiping
signs of emotional distress

Better Things To Say

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Better Things To Do

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RESOLVING CONFLICT

Key Differences In Types of Conflict

Basic Steps To Resolving Conflict

There are several different models to resolving a conflict. A great deal of more information will follow in this book. Listed below are some basic steps that could be used to resolve a conflict with another person:

​

Identify the issue.

Understand each other's perspective.

Find common ground.

Brainstorming possible solutions.

Agreeing on a solution and making a plan.

Reflecting on the process to learn for future conflicts.

Evaluate how things are going over time.

​

Assertive statements help communicate what is wrong. Parents should use “I” statements when talking to their tween or teen and teach the tween or teen how to use them back.

The ideal “I” statement has four components: expressing one’s emotions, specifying the situation, explaining the reason, and stating the need. Below are the steps needed to make an “I” statement.

​

“I feel…” tell the person how you feel, such as sad, angry, betrayed, annoyed, etc.

“When…,” tell the person when you feel that way.

“Because…,” tell the person why you feel that way.

“I need….,” tell the person what you need.

​

“I” statements can take the emotion out of what you are trying to say and will help the other person understand what you are upset about. Learning to use “I” statements is an art and takes a lot of practice. Below are some examples of assertive “I” statements:

Honesty

“I feel angry when I’m lied to because it makes me feel like I can’t trust you. I need you to be honest so we can work together.”

Gossip

“I feel sad when I hear people talking negatively about someone else because it makes me wonder if they’d do the same about me. I need us to focus on being kind and respectful when we talk about others.”

Too Many Voices

“I feel overwhelmed when everyone talks at the same time because it’s hard for me to follow what’s being said. I need us to take turns so I can really hear what everyone has to say.”

Yelling

“I feel frustrated when someone yells at me because they don’t respect my feelings. I need us to talk calmly to understand each other better.”

Passive, Aggressive, and Assertive Behaviors

Eye Contact: Maintain eye contact to show interest and engagement without staring, which might make the speaker uncomfortable.

Body Language: Use open and inviting body language. Nod occasionally, lean slightly forward, and use gestures indicating engagement.

Mirroring: Subtly mirror the speaker’s body language to build rapport and show empathy without mimicking every move, which can seem insincere.

Paraphrasing: Summarize the speaker’s words in your own words to show that you understand what has been said and to clarify any misunderstandings.

Reflecting Feelings: Acknowledge and reflect the speaker’s feelings. For example, “It sounds like you’re passionate about this,” or “You seem upset about what happened.”

Asking Open-Ended Questions: Ask questions requiring more than a yes or no answer to encourage the speaker to elaborate and share their thoughts and feelings.

Avoiding Interruptions: Resist the urge to interrupt while the other person is speaking. Let them finish their thoughts before you respond.

Withholding Judgment: Listen without forming judgments or jumping to conclusions. Keep an open mind regardless of your own opinions or beliefs.

Showing Empathy: Express empathy through your words and tone and demonstrate understanding and compassion for the speaker’s situation or feelings.

Encouraging: Use verbal cues and phrases like “I see,” “Go on,” or “Tell me more” to encourage the speaker to continue sharing.

Avoid Advice Giving: Unless specifically asked, avoid offering advice. Often, people need to feel heard and understood rather than look for solutions immediately.

Summarizing: At the end of the conversation, summarize the key points to ensure you have understood correctly and to reinforce the speaker’s message.

Seeking Clarification: If something is not clear, ask questions to clarify rather than assuming or guessing the meaning.

​Being Patient: Allow pauses and silences in the conversation. Sometimes, people need a moment to gather their thoughts or emotions.

Dealing With Anger, Fear, Sadness, and Disappointment

Generally, people can work out their differences positively, but there are signs of conflict brewing. Tweens and teens need to learn these signs and know what to do when they appear:

​

other individuals are showing signs of resentment or hostility

specific issues that are brought up repeatedly over time

when other people become involved with the problem

raised voices

aggressive or angry behavior

gossiping

signs of emotional distress

Better Things To Say

Better Things To Do

Being Patient: Allow pauses and silences in the conversation. Sometimes, people need a moment to gather their thoughts or emotions.